As the new year approaches, I recall the past year and all that I've undergone. 

Certainly, it has been quite a year. It was the most awful year, yet the most wonderful. I had the most distressing start to my year with Gabriel and I breaking up (as I've chronicled for you readers). Never have I experienced such pain in my life; I'm quite confident that it's the worst experience I've ever had to go through. At the same time however, as a consequence, I have made the most wonderful friendships! I have accomplished a lot this past year, in the way of happiness too. I exposed myself to new things and new people. Gabriel and I are actually back together. We still have many issues, but ironically the issue of infidelity isn't one of them. I find that I don't think about him being unfaithful to me anymore. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm in a good place. As this year closes, Im anxious to see how the new one develops. XO

Optimism?

Today someone that I hadn't seen for quite sometime asked me how I was doing. It rattled me inside. I responded with the same ol' generic response.. "good.. I'm well,"even though lately, I've become more aware of my life and it's discontent. Over the past week, I have been thinking about my future. I need to figure out what it is I want. I need to stop being scared of rejection in the "big world" and seek out some other job. Waitressing is good money, and I'm most likely making more money than most fresh out of college grads, but I cant let myself get trapped in this. How can it be that at the age of 26, I still don't know what I want to do in life. I've become less and less passionate about my artwork and dance... I feel like I'm spiraling downward. I need to focus on the things I enjoy.

Apart from being dissatisfied with my career and my recent lack of motivation, I've also thought about my relationship with Gabriel. Even till this day, after all the months that have past, I still almost cry every time someone asks me about why we even broke up in the first place, not to mention that I don't even know how to respond to that question. Things with Gabriel have been good. I'm happy when we spend time together, we have been having a lot of fun lately. Things have gradually begun to improve in our relationship. I still am concerned about my feelings of distrust, but I am steadily  thinking about it less and less. I find that I focus more and more on how he acts towards me in regards to me doing things without him.  In that concern, I feel that he is still possessive and has not accepted that some things in those respects have changed. This is an issue I fear we will have difficulty overcoming. I'm definitely more careful with my heart this time around. Regardless, Im thinking positively about us and trying to move forward. I'm becoming more of a believer in second chances, and I hope that he continues to make me a believer. 

I feel like a stupid girl.

Soooooo maybe I over reacted a little...
What I previously wrote was truly how I felt in the moment. I've gone through so much this entire year, its been such a roller coaster. I can't even believe the things I felt this year.
I tried to walk away. I tried and yet here I am back to square one.
Im just not ready to give up. No matter how much I tell myself, convince myself, push myself away, I know I don't want to.
After those three weeks of not talking to him... he told me that he understood that THIS time, he knew he was going to lose me.  He has told me that he'll do anything to get me back, that he knows that this is what he wants. It's exactly what I want to hear.. but its also what I've heard over a million times. Its always good for a few weeks and then everything turns to shit again. Im afraid that thats exactly what i've put myself through again this time around. The past two weeks we've spent a lot of time together and I am happy. He has asked me to be his girlfriend again, but I have not agreed. I know that Im happier when were together, but I am also fearful of what that label brings. The label makes it real.
I know that I shouldn't care what others think and if this is what I'm going to do, I shouldn't do it half ass. I'm just tired of being fooled, and I want to trust that it will turn out ok, but frankly I don't. Is it weird that I still want to be with him, despite all the pain and hurt he has caused me? I feel so dumb.

His new skank girlfriend...

I don't even know how to blog about this, but I need to get it off my chest. I wanted to scream yesterday; I wanted to throw shit and brake stuff, but all I did was cry. Everytime I thought about it, I began to cry. It was a rough day for me. So my ex continues to tell me that nothing is going on between him and this girl. At first, I went along with his story. She posted a pic of her kissing him on the cheek. The body language didn't exactly say friendship, but I let it go for the most part. I've told him repetitively about the consequences and how people perceive photos like that. For gods sake, it was an issue and part of the reason we broke up in the first place! Now there are like 7 pics of them together in her instagram. My friends have seen the photos and have made judgements of their own. No one posts pics with a dude that many times, in this short of a period, unless its your boyfriend or someone you obviously really like. We're not together and its totally fine to date someone new, but don't tell me its nothing and that you want more than anything for us to be together. Asking for another chance, telling me that he'll do anything, that he'll change, is a bunch of bullshit. You would not believe how many times I've heard it! Im sick of all the lies! Frankly I don't believe its nothing. I don't trust his word and I'm not sure I ever will again. I feel disgusted because in my heart, I think he sees me as dumb. I think he thinks I'll always be there, that I'm too weak to leave and he can do whatever he wants. Maybe he's right? I've been fooled by him the entire time I've known him and I continually let him hurt me. What reason do I have to believe anything he tells me? He has completely shattered all the trust!  WHY!!!! WHY do I do this to myself? I think its my love that gets me through it, but there isnt much of that left these days...  It saddens me, to hear him tell me how his love for me is true love. How can true love be THIS?!

I've cried everyday this week...

I still ended up putting myself through it...
Some part of me was STILL holding onto the notion that things were actually going to get better.
I kept thinking that the effort he was making was a good place to start.
Everytime he told me he wouldnt give up on us, everytime he held me, I felt better.. It's what kept me there. After everything I've put myself through, after all the time that has past, I'm hurting just as I did in the beginning of it all. I have not let myself move on. I understand that people go back and forth all the time, that it takes time.. I get it.. I just have so much sadness and anger building up inside me.
What I feel is ugly. I dont even know how to describe it. I almost hate myself for loving him. Im disgusted that I do. I regret even letting him back into my life the slightest bit after I found out everything he did before. I feel fooled. I feel like the love I was given was cheap. I feel everything I felt all over again. The decisions he has made over the past month, have repulsed me. He has steered me further away from  trusting him, from loving him.. He has showed me exactly what I'm worth to him.
He told me he was tired of fighting and all the drama. So I just stopped talking. My words never got me anywhere. My words, my feelings were never heard.
Im tired too. Im tired of being disappointed. Im tired of getting hurt over and over again.
I used to drive myself crazy thinking about what he was doing and who he was with, and why he did what he did. Now I've come to see that I don't need to think. I know in my heart that what I think is probably true. When people ask me why we broke up, I used to steer clear of saying he cheated on me, I would avoid the answer. I didn't want them to think badly of him. Now Im ready to just accept that he is a cheat. Regardless of who he cheated on me with or if he even did then, he cheated my heart. There is no possible way that someone who loved me, the way I loved them, someone who wanted to prove to me that I could trust them, would choose to do the very things that upset me and drive me away.
You make sacrifices for those you love and those sacrifices are worth everything in the end.

Mini goals..

Hello!
Decided to write a post.. I can't sleep. Lately I've been feeling unmotivated. I don't do anything productive. I want to, but I constantly discourage myself. I think I don't believe in myself.
Tonight, a good friend of mine told me that I need to dream BIGGER and set goals for myself. She is completely right! The problem about that is I don't know what I want.
Lets start with a few small goals:
1. I have to get out of bed by 10:30 the latest. (baby steps haha)
2. Pay off my credit card by the end of this year.
3. Get a second job.
4. Try to stay away from Gabriel.

ALSO..
I've decided that I must try one new thing a week. Whether it be a place, a restaurant, anything; I have to! I think this will help me explore and live my life with more satisfaction.

that is all.. XOXO

Still conflicted as ever

Soooooo... I've been partying quite a bit. I don't know if its because I missed being out in the nightlife and the scene or if its because I'm trying to suppress a sadness of some sort. Reflecting on my past relationship, I think about how messed up I felt and how my life was turned upside down. It's been 7 months.. 7 months that we have been apart yet still connected. I know the heart wants what the heart wants, but is my heart ok? I cant figure out if I want to be his again?! I don't know if I can do it. Some part of me thinks its dumb to put myself through it all over again. Another part of me can see what progress he has made and his strive to make me happy. I'm still conflicted and as usual I just don't know...
xoxo

I think I should start up again

I've returned.
I dont have too much to report. I actually have come to be comfortable with living in Orange county. I haven't really visited LA too much since my departure. I do miss it, but im getting used to my new life. Gabriel is still a part of my life. Although I do feel as though slowly im moving away from the idea of the two of us being in each others lives. he holds on to our love and I do love him still, I just dont trust him. Trust is the bigger issue and I dont know if things could ever be the same. Perhaps its foolish and only going to further hurt me but I guess I just cant let go. I wonder what things will be like months from now...

Update?!

Haven't blogged for a month!!!!!!!!
I guess I just felt like I had the same stuff to say all the time. I was always angry. Things have somewhat changed; the biggest change being my move back to OC. I'm gonna miss LA a lot, but I suppose I'll still hang out in LA often. I had a lot of anxiety as the move got closer, I was scared that living so far from LA and Gabriel was wrong for me. Even though, I wanted a fresh start, I didn't want to let go of Gabriel and I. However Gabriel and I, are on better terms... We are able to talk and not hate each other, which is somewhat good. I don't forgive him. I can't get past it, even when I focus on the future, I still get caught up and hurt by everything that happened. Still at the thought of it all, I get really emotional and cry. I don't know if things will get better between us, but I suppose it's best to focus on myself. I knew what I didn't like and what I needed and I'm not going to ask for it. I'm not an option, I'm a priority! I'm tired of getting disappointed, I deserve someone who wants to make me happy and shows me what I mean to them.
Anyways, heres to new beginnings! XOXO

Change.

Things are starting to change now and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of a life without him. In just a month, I wont be living in LA. I won't be in my home. I'll have a new roommate. My routine is gonna be way different. I know it's healthier for me and most definitely will help me to move on. Still I can't help but think that I'll regret it. I suppose I'm just holding on to the past. I can't deny that I love him so much, and that I'll miss him. But things have to change..
This past week without him, I was doing well. It was strange not living with him and feeling like it was ok to act single. My anger towards him helped me get through it. I wasn't doing anything wrong but I still felt guilty. I understand that I love him and it feels wrong for the time being. I just don't understand how I can feel that way now, but he didn't feel that way when he was doing everything he did to me.
I always feel so conflicted. I'll never forget, it pains me everyday. Its awful to hear someone tell you that they will always love you and they need you, when you feel deep down it's a lie. He was always good with his words. I fell for every heartfelt thing he ever told me when we were together. So now I just can't get myself to believe anything. The past two months, I was basically screaming for attention.. his attention. I was hurt by everything he had done, but it hurt even more when I told him what I needed to keep us going, and he ignored it with every bone in his body. He took me for granted. He didn't let me know I was important to him in anyway. I KNOW that this is what really broke us in the end. It's strange, that now when I was the one ignoring him, he was the one telling me that I didn't love him. WHY NOW?! Why abandon me then?! Now it's too late. Now I've accepted that were not going to be together and I'm trying to move on. Is he trying to interfere with that, because he doesn't want anyone to want me? Because he wants me to be miserable forever? I dont get it??

Gone.

So I haven't written in 6 days.
I've just been going through the motions for those past 6 days. I guess it's probably been harder for me, because we still lived together. The fact that he was in the other room, made me just want to be near him. I've always just wanted to be in his heart. He used to always say that he cared about me and loved me wayyy more than I did. I would always answer "impossible." You know what?! I was right, it was impossible! His heart was never in it! When everything went down, I told him all the things I needed and my thoughts on how we needed to change. He ignored ALL of it and did the opposite, with no regard of how it would affect me. I guess no matter how many times I can say it, it doesn't matter if the other person isn't in it too. When Valentines day rolled around, it was really devastating. He had slept with me the day before and then went to work. I didn't expect any gifts or anything, but I did expect him to express something to me.After 3 and 1/2 years together, he had nothing to express. Its a commercialized day to celebrate those you love. Oh he showed me how much he loved me alright. When I asked him if he was coming home and if he wanted to hang out together, he said it doesn't matter... so i went out. I could feel he didn't want to be with me. He didn't return home that night till 6am. He was just using me. Im tired of being taken advantage of, of being taken for granted and being treated this way. He has showed me that what he has been doing is far more important than me and our relationship. After a long struggle, he has taken most of his things and left, well at least I think. When I came home to the apartment, I felt a relief, I would no longer have to subject myself to wanting to be close to him. I already feel a little better having him gone.

More thoughts..

The only thing that was holding us together was our Love.
We have so many issues, its unbelievable. We don't have the same idea for our futures, we don't live the same lifestyles, we value different things.. the list is never ending.
I asked him if he really believed we could pull through all of this. He said, it was a long shot but that he believed in our love. What a bunch of crap..  He used the idea of our love to manipulate me. He was taking advantage of being close to me without having to be my boyfriend. He has always taken advantage of me. I was always just there for his convenience. When it came to my needs, he was always MIA.We've been going through such a rough time. All I wanted was for it to get better. If you were going through something of this magnitude, wouldn't you want to try and resolve as much as you could, as fast as you could? Wouldn't you devote all your time and efforts? He has done nothing. He will do nothing. I just don't understand what I'm doing! Why do I keep falling for his lies? All this time, I thought he was a genuine person. All this time I devoted my love to him, and for what? To find out that when he says he wants try and work it out, what he really is saying, is stick around till I find a new girl. If you want to fuck around, do it. Dont be a fucking coward. He always has an excuse for everthing that is clear cut. If you wrote a girl: "hey here is my number, I think we should hang out sometime".. doesn't that mean what u say??? If you tell your friend that you need whores, and that your looking for hoes to bring to his crib, doesnt that mean what you say?? If you say you stayed up all night and omit that you actually went to the strip club, is that honest? Im confused, how does that not mean exactly what it means?
Yea this guy is a piece of work. Its actually pretty pathetic.

just some thoughts..

We talked but got nowhere. 

The more and more I think about it, the more I feel as though its better if we just move on. Despite all the lies and deception, my main concern is that he doesn't value me and our relationship. I'm not a priority in his life. Throughout our relationship, I've somewhat always felt this way, but now more than ever. If our relationship was important, he'd make more time for it. 

I deleted the post "it's over", I realized I let an anonymous comment get to me. I let my emotions get the best of me for that one. Although I was upset, perhaps the person was right about the fact that he will always be in love with the Hollywood lifestyle. The partying, drinking and drugs will be a part of his life for a long while, and I don't think he can see that one day it will fade and what will he have to show for all of it. He isn't ready to commit to someone wholeheartedly and that is obvious. He would always say that he wasn't ready to get married and settle down. At 27, a real man would be getting his life in order, not just floating by. I honestly wanted him to want to marry me, probably a foolish thought. I don't see myself marrying him anymore. I used to think that we were gonna be together forever. I had names picked out for our kids and everything. When I think of marriage, I think FOREVER. I never want a divorce, so for me to say that I wanted to marry him, is a big deal. Now I feel as though that thought is shattered.

From the day I met him, I can't think of a moment when I've been swept off my feet. Is that bad? He never surprises me or takes me out unless its an occasion. There is no spontaneity, no thoughtfulness. I know I love him and that we are comfortable with one another, but don't you need some of that sparkle? I can't deny that I thought our connection alone was magical. He did give me butterflies and just being close to him would make me happy. I always want him to be close to me. We had something, or at least i thought we did. I guess who needs to define anything by what someone does for you. But i also think that I needed some of that, to feel appreciated and not taken for granted. I believe in grand gestures and unconditional love. It may not be a fairy tale in real life, but you make your own magic. 

I like instagram

Newport beach Feb 4th, 2012

The pool last saturday..

I like instagram, it makes my pictures pretty <3

This just makes me wanna keep taking pictures! 

I need a full time photographer haha

Pics taken by Jessica Jung

Instagramed by myself :P

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Confusing.

WOW I haven't written anything in quite a few days...
I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling right now. I feel so confused. This past week, he stopped speaking to me and pretty much avoided me and it really pushed me to think that it was over. We've talked a little, nothing has been resolved, but at least we're talking now. The reality is that after everything , I'm not sure we can ever make it back. I'm not even sure if I want to get back to where we were. The relationship we had, although it might have seemed great, was in fact lacking. Reflecting on it now, I'm not sure if I want that kind of relationship. SOOOOO much has got to change, if we want to try to make it work. I want to figure this out NOW, because I can't keep going back and forth. As a result, I keep going through a new break up over and over and its more painful each time. Either we're going to decide to make it right and things are going to change drastically or we're going to get the fuck out of each others lives.

I think I'm crazy.

So yesterday, I pretty much embarrassed myself. I texted him all day. It was like my mind could only think about him. I went from angry to sad, from angry to sad,over and over again. I blew up his phone with all my thoughts. I think he thinks I'm crazy. I think I'm going crazy. Its hard to let someone go, let alone someone you thought you'd be with forever! still after everything I told him, I feel like he just doesn't care. Someone asked me if he fought for me..customarily you fight for what you want right!? well, he didn't and I guess that means he doesn't want me. When you love someone, you do everything in your power to make them better when their hurt..after what he did to me, I don't think I believe he did everything in his power.Maybe I'm crazy but it just seems as though he's ready to leave...I guess maybe he was always ready. I guess guys are different, but love speaks for all......his love isn't speaking. Yesterday, i cried hysterically pretty much all day long. Despite everything all I wanted was for him to just find me and hug me really tight. I don't know how things are going to play out but I'm just going to concentrate on me. Today I've had a little bit of progress hah.. Brazilian wax, lunch at a cool spot with lots of eye candy, and then off to work.

P.s. If your reading, please join my followers and follow my blog :P

Angry as usual.

Im in an angry stage. One moment Im sad and thinking am I doing the right thing and the next Im all Fuck this. My head knows Im doing the right thing, but my heart is fucking weak. 

WTF is wrong with me? why do I want that guy. there is nothing good about him?! He hurts me, He doesn't care or love me, he doesn't spend time with me, he takes me for granted and doesn't treat me right. EVERYTHING is put before me. 

I need a distraction and I think I should just get one. If someone else is smitten over me, maybe i'll be able to see what I deserve.

I hurt inside.

I've heard so many opinions about what I should do.. I didn't care about what anyone thought. I needed to know for myself that I was doing the right thing for me.

I thought I could eventually get past this heartache and just be happy. I had an occasional happy moment or day with him, but for the most part its not getting much better. I just don't trust him. Someone told me that for the relationship to work, I have to let it go and not look back. I just don't see how anyone can do that. It's too hurtful and damaging to just forget.
Whenever I bring up the issue, he's too tired to talk about it, and asks why am I still bringing it up. I don't get how he could expect me to just act like it didn't happen. FUCK I'm hurting! I find myself trying to monitor everything. I wonder if while I'm gone there are girls in our apartment. I wonder if when he's out he's texting girls or hanging out with them. How can he not understand that HE DID THIS TO ME.
I know that my constant interrogation is nuts. He tells me he's not doing anything wrong but what credibility does he have? I don't want to make him miserable. I tried not to think about it, but its nearly impossible. I always come to the conclusion that he doesn't truly care about me and love me. He's so selfish and immature. He never thought of us as one, it was always him and then me. He would always say we have our separate lives and then our life together. We'll I get what that means now!!! I'm so disgusted and to make things worse, he's in the wrong but he makes me feel bad about it. He makes me feel like I'm not making him happy. Well FUCK THAT. I deserve better, I'm a fucking damn good girlfriend. It's gonna be tough to try and get past this, especially seeing how we live together, but I know that in time ( a lot of time ) he'll be completely out of my thoughts and someone new will love me and love me right. 

New York Minute..

More pics from New York...

Times Square- January 2012

I love this one! It captured the saying on the billboard unintentionally. It was sending me a message. 

"2012 is the year for action."

That little dot behind me, well thats the Statue of Liberty haha.

Street art.

Partial view from the Empire State Building.

Night out... My sissy and I @ Bar Basque

9/11 Memorial. I hadn't seen it since it was ground zero. It truly is a beautiful commemoration.

Love you..

[ Most photos taken by Jessica Jung, others by myself.]

A walk in the park.

Here are some pics from my New Yoorkkkk Trip!!!!

Central Park- January 2012

I think Central Park was probably one of my favs in NYC. Too bad it was so fucking cold. 

It's really beautiful and peaceful. This park is enormous! Definitely a good place to think!

I LOVE the TREES!!!!

[All photos taken by Jessica Jung.] 

A sucker for him.

It's been a rough few days. After my last post, I almost gave up or rather it appeared that HE wanted to give up. Another night of crying, another apology and I'm back to where I was... CLUELESS. I'm such a sucker for him. All he has to do is hug me and I feel better for that moment. I know I let him get away with murder and he knows he can get away with it too. I just can't do that anymore because he'll just keep hurting me. When will I learn?! I'm always the one getting hurt in this relationship. He doesn't understand the consequences of his actions or how they affect me. I hope now things will start to change.. I need things to change. I need to stop feeling like a suspicious, jealous girlfriend. I hate that girl. I never was that girl till now.  I'm always struggling with my thoughts and I fear that this is the way it's always gonna be for me.When we're together, I'm not such a basket case, because I know what he's doing. He can hug me and kiss me and tell me he loves me enough to feel safe. On the other hand, when were apart, I feel so much uneasiness. Being apart gives me anxiety and I completely go to a negative place. I reflect on everything and a lot of the time my thoughts lean towards the idea that being apart is best for me. In a sense, I believe maybe in those moments I have more levelheaded thoughts about whats truly right for me. But then when I see him, I'm all confused again. I know I love him but is that enough. I've always been aware that my boyfriend and I are two different people and that we like different things. We don't have much in common really. We live very different lifestyles. We have different morals and beliefs. This alone should be a sign that perhaps were not fit for one another. I mention it to him all the time and he always looks at me and says: "we balance each other babe, we may be two different people, but we're two people in love and that's what matters."Is it what matters?

Today it's hard to be positive.

I just want my life back. All I did today was think. I can't stop thinking about why he did this to me. All he can say to me is " your never going to get past this, I don't know what you want me to do.." Frankly I don't know what he can do. Still, I feel as though he isn't sorry or hurting. Im hurting so bad and he fucking gets no pain, no suffering, no punishment. What kind of shit is this.  

Before I met my boyfriend, I was exceptionally free spirited. I do admit he made me happy once, but at this moment my thoughts about him are very clouded. I can't see any of the good. If you were to examine my relationships, you'd find that as soon as I brake up with one, I jump right into the next. I cant say that any of my past boyfriends were truly what I wanted. I always settled. I recognize now that I just wanted someone to care about me. Doesn't everyone though? I wonder if I'm sticking around because I just cant bear to be alone? Although I already feel alone.. 

I'm alone right now in fact. I'm back from work and he's out. He's always going out without me. I know that I don't care to do some of the things he's doing but I wish he'd want to take ME out. Maybe I'm just jealous that he has so many friends to go out with all the time and I really don't have many friends. Or maybe I'm just making excuses. I deserve to be taken out and spoiled and that's one thing I can say that my boyfriend doesn't know how to do. 

...Back and Forth

Herro.
I've just returned from New York City, where I had some time to reflect on my relationship. I honestly felt uneasy about being away from my boyfriend for the short 4 days I was gone. Most of the time, I found myself thinking about what he was doing and it definitely made it hard for me to enjoy myself. The constant thought that he was with another girl or even just the recapitulating of all the events that got us here, drove me fucking mad. The mere fact that we were apart also made it difficult. I realize I cant monitor his every move and I'll never know exactly everything he does; I just want to know if I'll be able to trust him again?! I kept asking myself if I could really live this way. I didn't come up with any answers.

One thing I just don't understand is, if a man supposedly loves you more than anything in the world and makes it a point to say that your "the one," how can he have sexual conversations with women online, hide pictures of himself with other women, tell other women that they are sexy, and hang out with other women behind your back. Even if this isn't physically cheating, it's disloyal and disgusting. Whenever I think about it, I just can't imagine his love for me to be true. This all sounds bad, and it truly is but WHY do I now believe him when he says it was harmless and that he does love me. WHY should I believe anything. I'm so confused.

A new year. A fresh start?

I've decided to take up blogging. My life is in shambles and perhaps this could prove to be therapeutic. I kicked off my new year with a break up. I've never experienced so much pain in my whole life. I literally shutdown for over a week. I wasn't eating, sleeping, breathing..just crying my brains out! I know I'm only 25 years old and yada yada yada but I truly thought this would be the man I would marry. It's a long complicated story, but needless to say it was a betrayal. Seems like everyone I know has been through something similar and all the consoling just made me more sick. How can people do this to the ones they supposedly love? 

I feel like my generation doesn't know LOVE. It's too caught up with "being cool", selfishness and temptation. I feel as though my generation has bad morals. I find myself wondering if Love truly conquers all, because I sure as hell am suffering. 

Despite it all, I know that the love I felt was consuming and real and I don't know if I can just abandon it. Now I'm reevaluating my life. I love him so much and maybe its foolish to try to work things out but I have to know that I tried my hardest to make this relationship work or I'll regret it.